cthulhuchan: (Cuddle Cthulhu)
[personal profile] cthulhuchan
Unusually, I felt the need to answer a challenge.

From: Jayne on After Class


THE CHALLENGE


For some reason or another, our favorite potions master needs/wants to have sex in his big, man-sized cauldron. Why? Maybe it’s a fetish of his. Maybe he’s brewing a potion that requires one extra-special ingredient. Maybe his new toy needs to be christened. Anyway, how is he going to convince Harry to get in to his cauldron with him? :)


Title: Finishing Touches
Rating: M
Genre: Humor. Okay. Dark Humor.
Pairing: HP/SS
Warnings: But they give so much away. It might be considered vaguely disturbing. One report of "severely creeped out."
Beta: None, although I may revise this later.

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Hell, normally, I wouldn't do this to them.

Oh, and... sorry, it's a one-shot. Really. If you want a sequel, let me know if you write one, I'd love to see it.

Finishing Touches


“Sex?”

“Yes, Potter.”

“In a cauldron.”

“Yes, Mr. Potter.”

“You want to have sex. In a cauldron. With me.”

“I do believe that that was the request I made of you?”

“Whyever for?”

“Because there’s nothing quite like the scrape of cast iron against your prick when you’ve got a teenager pounding into you.”

“I’m not a teenager!” By three whole minutes, but who was counting? “Wait a minute. You want to have sex in a cauldron because you like rubbing cast iron against your cock?”

“If that were all, Mr. Potter, I’m sure I could manage to conjure some chain-link masturbation gloves.”

Harry turned a bit green at that idea. “Don’t you think velvet would feel better?”

“Indubitably so, Mr. Potter.” Black eyes stared down at him, perfectly impenetrable as they casually pried apart the defenses of his psyche.

Harry growled, tearing his gaze away and reinforcing the barriers of his mind. “Oh, no you don’t.”

“Surely you do not object to my curiosity, Potter.”

“I never went looking for your wanking fantasies, Professor.” Harry snorted. “Not that I’d ever have believed that you…”

“…am capable of an intimate relationship with my own right hand? I assure you, even I am well aquainted with Mr. Rodgers and his five strapping sons.”

“Well, I’ve never heard it put quite that way, before.”

“And I’ve never had even a passing interest in a woman, myself.” Snape’s smile was downright eerie. “I see no reason to euphemize with them at all.”

“You’re queer, Snape.”

“Yes, I’ve been aware of that for quite some time.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“As you’re no stranger to queerville yourself, Mr. Potter, I see no reason to cast aspersions in regards to my sexual orientation.”

“I’m not casting aspersions in regard to your orientation! I’m casting aspersions in regard to your absolutely creepy peculiarity!”

“I assure you that sex in a cauldron is no different than having sex in the bathtub.”

“Then have sex in a bathtub!”

“I don’t wish to have sex in a bathtub, I want to have sex in my brand new cauldron!”

“But why –” Harry stopped. “Forgetting why it is so important to have sex in a cauldron, why in the world do you want to have sex with me in a cauldron?”

“Well, I can’t imagine that you’d want to have sex with me in a bed.”

“Allllllllright. Ladies and gentlemen, we have left Peculiaritown and taken a sharp left into Bizzareville. We’re dreadfully sorry if your sense of reality flew out of the window because you weren’t warned you needed to have it securely tacked down.”

“Surely, Mr. Potter, it is not so difficult to see that the only method I might have to entice you is to offer something no one else has, or might ever think to.”

“Not to mention the added bonus of having sex in your brand new cauldron?”

“Something like that, yes.”

“Someone please return reality to it’s fully upright position.”

“I thought reality had flown out of the window.”

“It did. That’s why I really could use it returned, mended, and placed back in its proper orientation.”

“I don’t have a proper orientation. As you noticed, I am a card-carrying citizen of queerville, rather than a seasonal visitor like yourself.”

“Card carrying?”

Snape snapped his fingers and a small, embossed card appeared.

Severus Snape
Gay Wizards Registry
Member since 1978


“You have to register?”

“Of course not! It’s simply easier to get dates this way, since members can easily identify one another on sight. It’s a fairly simple charm.”

Harry gaped. “That gives a whole new meaning to Gaydar.”

“Gaydar?”

“It’s a muggle thing, nothing you need to worry about, really.”

“Hmph.” Snape snorted. “I realize that you play fairly evenhandedly for both teams, but I assure you that your experience with me –”

“—in a cauldron—”

“—would be the most remarkable of your life.”

“Snape, I’ve always suspected fucking you would be the highlight of my rather wide, and as you pointed out, varied sex life, but… why a cauldron?”

Snape sighed. “Why can you not just accept that I am interested in being ravished inside of a cauldron?”

“Because I’ve a fairly wide range of kinks, but that’s just plain weird.” Harry sighed. “I mean, aren’t I at least worth a story, or something? Some kind of mysterious intimation that sex in a cauldron would destroy the Dark Lord?”

“You’ve already destroyed the Dark Lord.”

“Hunh. Well, yes, there is that.”

“Please, Mr. Potter. Aside from your respect, which you admittedly have never given me, I have never asked you for anything. Please, would you just get into the cauldron and bugger me senseless?”

“Put like that, how can I possibly refuse?”

“One hopes that you can’t, Mr. Potter.”

~0~


Severus Snape took his seat at the Head Table and casually flicked open the morning’s copy of the Daily Prophet.

HARRY POTTER MISSING!

Boy-Who-Lived Vanishes Without Trace

Snape chuckled, considering his newest cauldron acquisition, waiting for him to brew this year’s healing stock. The emerald inlay that sparkled so fetchingly along the sides, interspersed with silvery-white streaks and barely raised forms like sculls… anguish and pleasure intertwined, a heady power just waiting to be tapped.

Minerva glared at him, her eyes red from incessant weeping. He nodded to her and schooled his features.

Boy-Who-Lived Vanishes Without Trace.

Without a trace, indeed.



ETA: Made some changes in the disclaimer and genre.
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*chokes*

Date: 2005-07-05 10:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aetas-lupus.livejournal.com
Goddess, that was funny!

Re: *chokes*

Date: 2005-07-05 11:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
Thak you ;)

Date: 2005-07-05 12:15 pm (UTC)
ext_73167: (Default)
From: [identity profile] shadow8light.livejournal.com
*gapes*

O k a y . . . That was odd.

*Still trying to pick chin off floor*

Date: 2005-07-05 11:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
Yes... it is odd. I had fun though. Hope you liked it despite the odd.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] shadow8light.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-06 11:08 pm (UTC) - Expand

aaawwwwww

Date: 2005-07-05 01:52 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
That was mean!!!! Get him out of it!!!!!! Please!!!!!!!

Actually it was good, but mean. Write a sequel and get him out!!!!!!

Re: aaawwwwww

Date: 2005-07-05 11:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com
Sorry, it's a oneshot. If you write a sequel I'll read it, though.

Date: 2005-07-05 02:00 pm (UTC)
ext_68422: (Default)
From: [identity profile] mimiheart.livejournal.com
That was hilarious. Great job!

Date: 2005-07-05 11:45 pm (UTC)

Date: 2005-07-05 02:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abraxisdragon.livejournal.com
Oh, what a dark and wicked little tale.

Now, we know why Snape's potions are so much better than those brewed by others. LOL

Date: 2005-07-05 11:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
*grins* Exactly.

Date: 2005-07-05 02:14 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Gah. That's even creepier than a snake-faced Dark Lord coming out of one. I could really have done without that last paragraph *shudders*

I admit it's probably the only reason one could have for sex in a cauldron, but you really need some stronger warnings. "severely creeped out" instead of "vaguely disturbing", would do.

cloe

Date: 2005-07-05 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com
erk! I have to admit, my vaguely disturbing might squick other people. I've adjusted the warnings.

Date: 2005-07-05 07:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lothirielwen.livejournal.com
That was funny till the end anyway...
dang!!



Now to get him out......

Date: 2005-07-05 11:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com
Sorry you didn't like the end. I suppose it isn't for everyone.

(no subject)

From: (Anonymous) - Date: 2005-07-06 02:48 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-06 08:17 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2005-07-05 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] samson28.livejournal.com
Came over from yahoo!

Oh this was fun! Snape was wonderful in this and all of your other stories. *g*

Date: 2005-07-05 11:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com
Thank you :)

via After Class

Date: 2005-07-05 10:11 pm (UTC)
ext_5353: (Bound to Please - Anne Phoenix)
From: [identity profile] annephoenix.livejournal.com
This fandom is so deranged... *loves*

Re: via After Class

Date: 2005-07-05 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com
*grins* Sleep deprivation is fun and twisted, yes. *snickers*

Date: 2005-07-05 11:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cydah.livejournal.com
ehh!! The dialogue was hilarious. not terribly sure i got what happened, well did Snape get that buggering that he wanted?

Date: 2005-07-05 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com
Yup. And a nice, new, Harry-Potter-Powered cauldron. Heh.

Date: 2005-07-05 11:39 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
absolutely lovely. I always appreciate twisted ending, an I love how in the end Snape is truely in character, an evil bastard to the end.

Date: 2005-07-05 11:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com
Glad you liked it ;)

Date: 2005-07-06 01:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] joannindiw.livejournal.com
That was bloody awesome. Lessee. Besides loving the ending -- *evil grin* there was this bit (amongst all the other lovely snark):

“You’re queer, Snape.”

“Yes, I’ve been aware of that for quite some time.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

That I really, really liked. Along with, well, the entire rest of the story...

Date: 2005-07-06 08:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
*giggles manaically*

Glad you liked it. It fair inisited on existing (really, the whole bit started with Harry saying something like weirdo... and then my brain went, no! Queer!)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] joannindiw.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-06 09:47 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-07 07:12 pm (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] joannindiw.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-08 02:33 am (UTC) - Expand

oh my

Date: 2005-07-06 03:12 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
That was evil.

Do it again.

oddjob103@aol.com

Re: oh my

Date: 2005-07-06 08:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
I'll do my best!

Date: 2005-07-06 03:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wolflupin.livejournal.com
Hahaha! XD That was great. Especially the mention of the Gaydar. :D

Date: 2005-07-06 08:14 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
*grins*

Glad you enjoyed ;)

Date: 2005-07-06 06:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chameleonot.livejournal.com
Oh that was sooo wrong! And wonderfully lovely!

I laughed so hard I hurt myself. The card nearly killed me.

Can I play with Snapey's cauldron? Pretty please?

Date: 2005-07-06 08:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
Glad you enjoyed it ;)

Can I play with Snapey's cauldron? Pretty please?

Only if you make naugty potions in it ;)

Date: 2005-07-06 09:39 am (UTC)
sarcasticsra: A picture of a rat snuggling a teeny teddy bear. (Default)
From: [personal profile] sarcasticsra
“Allllllllright. Ladies and gentlemen, we have left Peculiaritown and taken a sharp left into Bizzareville. We’re dreadfully sorry if your sense of reality flew out of the window because you weren’t warned you needed to have it securely tacked down.”

Bwahahahaha... that had me cracking up a bit. XD

The whole fic was funny, well-written, and I loved it. ^^

Date: 2005-07-07 07:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
Thank you :) Glad you liked it.

Date: 2005-07-06 01:58 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I was laughing so hard that my mum banned me from the living room (where my poor computer lies so my mum can watch me. Or so she say). I spent ten minutes laughing on the floor of the corridor. I'm still giggling like mad, but it can't be helped.

It was really good. I loved the end, with snarky-bastard-Snape. Definitely one of my favorites.

Date: 2005-07-07 07:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
Oh, dear. I'd apologize for getting you banished but it's such a compliment. Glad you liked it.

Date: 2005-07-06 07:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] unbroken-halo.livejournal.com
That was great. I am sorely tempted to attempt a sequel but I fear I could not do it justice.

Date: 2005-07-07 07:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com
Oh, I dunno, I think you could ;) If you do, let me know, I'd love to see it ;)

Date: 2005-07-07 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bella-the-dark.livejournal.com
lovely work! And so in character for a very Slytherin Severus... he will say or do whatever it takes to get what he wants!

Date: 2005-07-07 07:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
*laughs* Very true. I'm glad you liked it.

Date: 2005-07-08 04:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] montana-dan.livejournal.com
The end was sort of - disturbing - but I thought it was a hoot. And the dialogue was wonderful, with spot on characterizations.

I also wanted to read some of your other work and became sort of confused. I had read the "No Man is an Island" challenge from the Wave and I'm glad there is going to be a sequel. *scratches head* Um, which one is it? Is there a timeline or an order in which the series is supposed to be read?

I'd like to read the series because I really enjoy your writing style so please let me know the progression of events. :-)

Thanks,
Montana

Date: 2005-07-08 06:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
*is extremely flattered* Hey, it ain't every day one of your favorite authors comes in to say hi ;)

*fangirls teh_[livejournal.com profile] montana_dan*

The main story arc moves in the order Fiat Lux, then Bellum Umbrae (although, technically, the posted part occurs right before the leaving feast). The side stories... well, First Night occurs some time previous to Fiat Lux. Probably summer before seventh year, although it could be placed during christmas break, I suppose (I've no idea when Pansy's birthday is supposded to be. Hell, no idea when Draco's is either... naughty me.) Aftermaths is set dirctly after the battle for Hogwarts.

Hmmms. Maybe I should set the tags so Aftermaths and First Night have their own tags as side stories. Hmmm.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] montana-dan.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-12 01:47 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com - Date: 2005-07-12 05:52 am (UTC) - Expand

Jaw is Still on the floor.

Date: 2005-07-09 07:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xikum.livejournal.com
OMG! That was hilarious, then just soo Very, Severely Twisted. Evil Bizarreness. Must add that to your warning....I can't stress how incredibly disturbing that is, all the more because I saw the humor in it. I did not see the end coming at all--no pun intended. OMG! Um, will you get him out of there? Someone? Or are you just leaving it at that? Acckk!

Re: Jaw is Still on the floor.

Date: 2005-07-09 09:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
Well... aside from a newborn and vaguely sickly plotbunny involving cauldronizing Draco and/or Lucius, it's meant as a oneshot...

*pets the Harry-cauldron* I dunno. I kinda like the Harry-cauldron.

Anyhoo, glad you enjoyed teh twisted, even if I don't rescue Harry. ;)

Well...

Date: 2005-07-09 08:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lukygrl02.livejournal.com
That was something I wasn't expecting.... poor Harry. I feel bad for him.
Actually..... no I don't. Not really.

Good job. (Great one-shot)

Luky

Re: Well...

Date: 2005-07-09 08:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vasaris.livejournal.com
*laughs* Glad you enjoyed it.

Date: 2005-07-10 10:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] il-etait-1-fois.livejournal.com
When I read the challenge, I though: 'If Severus was to convince Harry to have sex into a cauldron, he would put on the fire as soon as the boy gets in!'

After readind the fic, I though: 'Oh my god! Someone has the same vision of sreepy Snape than me!'

Date: 2005-07-10 06:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mightierthan.livejournal.com
Great minds think alike ;) Hope you enjoyed it. :)

Date: 2005-07-14 02:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wonder-rock.livejournal.com
Oh that was fantastic! I had to re-read the end several times just to make sure I read it correctly and I wasn't just seeing what I wanted to see. *Claps hands* Fabulous! Severus should have made him into a stew, but alas, one can not have everything. :D

Cheers,
Jane

Date: 2005-07-15 09:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] psyfic.livejournal.com
Please, would you just get into the cauldron and bugger me senseless?”

LOL! Now he can press his prick against Harry's hard iron as much as he likes. ;)

Good job, very funny ending. Thanks for sharing!
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